I’ll be the first to admit that a blog about annoying Facebook posts should be on the list of most annoying Facebook posts because of its irritating irony. It’s like filming a movie about how stupid movies are. Or writing a song about how much you hate music. But to be fair, I’m not saying the following types of posts are more annoying than a bucket of mosquitoes on meth, I’m just saying I could live without them.
Unlike most “annoying Facebook posts” blogs, I don’t have a problem with people who aggressively update all the details of their lives (I actually enjoy the photos of your wedding, the updates on your kids, and the YouTube videos of cats or songs), it’s the friends who passive-aggressively post that sometimes irk me. Such as:
Anonymous come-backs: “Some people need to remember… what goes around comes around!”
These posts are like those emails your boss sends to the entire company “reminding” everyone about the sexual harassment policy. It sends everyone into a tailspin of assumed guilt, or makes them point accusatory thoughts at others as they try to figure out who the message was really directed at. If one of your friends has wronged you in some way don’t post vague updates on Facebook and hope they get the message, be mature about it and send them a private but straightforward message by leaving the severed head of a horse in their bed or something.
Cliffhangers: “OMG! I’m still in shock over what I learned today!”
Well??? What is it??? Judging by the replies of “I‘m here for you!” or “I can’t believe it either!” you obviously have two or three friends who know exactly what you’re talking about, so you could’ve just sent them a damn text. Now your other 837 Facebook friends (at least the ones who are nosy enough – myself included sometimes) must leave gently prodding comments – like they’re coaxing a kitten out from under the bed – until they get the full juicy story. It’s even more frustrating when you don’t bother replying to those comments and instead post another cliffhanger: “Anyone know of a good moving company?” I know it feels good to finally have people interested in something you posted but don’t make everyone grovel at your Facebook feet. Just tell us the story. And don’t leave out the part about what goes around comes around.
Guilt trips: “I bet you won’t re-post this…”
These posts imply that only true friends will re-post some unoriginal puke-fest of a message; those who don’t are drug-dealing atheists who secretly send money to Al-Qaeda stained with the blood of the puppies they ate right before they set fire to an orphanage. It’s kind of rude to lay that kind of guilt trip on your friends. Although if you do post these you’ll most certainly know who your true friends are because they’ll call you a sucker to your face while the rest roll their eyes behind your back.
Game request updates: “Someone just sent you an unsolicited request in Hidden Chronicles!”
Yes, I know I can hide these kind of updates from my feed. But did you know you can change your settings so that only friends who play the same games get your updates? It saves everyone time. I learned how to do it after my best friend pointed out that I’m a grown woman who just posted that I “need Rainbows and Paint Brushes to complete my pretty-in-pink dresser set in the Sims Social.” For the record, it was a REALLY nice dresser.
Empty threats: “I’m going to start deleting people who are too much drama.”
Don’t say it, just do it. Start with yourself, drama queen.
Poking: I don’t know what it means, I don’t know how it works, I don’t know what the point is. I only know that it sounds phallic and dirty and if you do it to me I’ll feel violated enough to delete you. (And don’t be cute and Poke me because you read this).