Apparently 33% of people who make New Year’s resolutions will break them by February and I’m guilty as charged. I had vowed to myself that this will be the year I finally embrace social networking and open up my life to the limitless online cesspool of mundane thoughts and short-sighted opinions. I have plenty of those! In fact, I wasn’t going to just embrace social media, I was going to seize it by the neck and lift it off its feet in a triumphant display of my power over it. Grrrrrrowl!!!

Instead I’ve continued to listlessly paw at Facebook and Twitter like a fat cat with a toy mouse. Of all the things I have to do on a daily basis checking Facebook should be among the easiest! It should be as second nature as brushing my teeth or having a glass of wine. I should WANT to do these things and every once in a while I do. There are days when my alarm goes off at 1:30am and I only hit snooze for 45 minutes instead of 65 (which is why I set it so damn early). These are the mornings when I’ve actually gotten more than four hours of sleep and my mind is a razor-sharp treasure trove of witty musings (witty to me, at least). It’s easy to send these musings into the social media world because I don’t have to focus all my energy on making a thought more coherent than just, “Did Angry Birds come out with an update yet?”

But on those mornings when sleep didn’t come, or I stayed up too late playing Angry Birds, I walk into work like a half-baked zombie that overdosed on Ambien while fighting ninjas in my sleep and I feel like none of my sentences make sense (read that sentence again, it was literary gold!). When someone tries to talk to me it takes my brain a good 3.4 seconds to process what they said and I have to sit really still and stare blankly into space until I can wrap my mind around their point. It makes for a very awkward three seconds.

When you’re this tired every little task suddenly looks tantamount to hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro. I end up putting things off until I’m fully awake. So I’ll ignore them for an hour and pretty soon six hours have gone by. By then I’m awake but feeling so guilty about neglecting my social networking duties for the morning that I decide I’d rather not feel guilty so I put it out of my mind and go on pretending that all is well. Soon days have passed and my mom will mention in casual conversation, “You know you have comments on your fan page.” I’ll think, Crap! I haven’t checked it! And those responsibilities come rushing at me like a Florida driver in my rear-view mirror. The guilt starts honking to get a move on it and all I can do is slow down and let it pass as I avert my eyes even though I want to give it the middle finger. That’s when I realize how dramatic and silly I’m being. It’s freakin’ Facebook! Check it already!

Incidentally this is how I handle my laundry, dishes, cleaning out the fridge, going to the dentist – pretty much any home chore or task.

(I really need to take charge of my life)

None of it gets done until Friday when I know my boyfriend is coming over. Then I explode into a cleaning ball of tornadic activity and finally, FINALLY throw out leftovers, pack the dishwasher, fold clothes and make the bed. I don’t want to scare him away from one day wanting to move in with me. He can find out my poor cleaning habits then. We’ll get along beautifully!

So it appears that I function best under pressure. So, hypothetically, if my boss tells me I better start getting on Facebook and Twitter more or face the consequences (which I think involves ropes and a pulley system with sharp nails), then that would probably prompt me to jump right on the social media bandwagon with all the enthusiasm of a Giants fan at a Patriots bar. This is all hypothetical, of course. It has nothing to do with why I’m going to start blogging more. Or why I now set up TWO Twitter accounts: @JessicaLocal6 and @JessSanchez (follow me or they’ll hurt me!).